sadness (or pms)

Is it too much?
Is it?
I-S I-T?

Do I fucking ask too much from other people?
DO I?

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it feels like flying

I don’t like to make plans. I don’t like to think much of the future. I don’t mind never knowing what is about to come or what I am going to do.
I have always run from relationships. I didn’t use to believe in monogamy. I was quite someone else. I was always in love, but never attached.
I had never thought I was going to really fall for someone and call this person mine. I learned we don’t possess other people.
I’ve never believed he would be the one. I didn’t think I was gonna miss him this long or that much.
I thought I had missed the ability to cry. I thought I was that strong – or insensitive.
I’ve always believed in destiny. I do believe people come and go as they are meant to.
I don’t believe love is forever. Everything comes to an end.
I’ve never thought I would be where I am at the age of 24. I thought I would be completely on my own.
I’ve never liked the idea of planning. First comes the expectation and then the frustration when we realize things go wrong.

Yay

A chegada de um novo ano traz sempre a promessa de um novo começo, de uma nova vida. Bullshit. Nossas expectativas nos enganam e, no fim, terminamos o ano da mesma forma que o começamos: cheios de esperança. As mudanças ocorrem de forma independente.
Ontem eu tive ciúmes. Eu ainda estou com ciúmes. Mas estou certa de que sou, há algumas semanas, a Manoela independente que sempre me orgulhei de ser. Posso dizer que 2011, com certeza, é um ano que promete.

Happiness Factory

Quando eu era criança e me imaginava já adulta, eu me imaginava casada e feliz. Bom, o casamento ainda será adiado uns anos, mas a felicidade cotidiana não seria nada ruim. Passamos a vida assistindo a comédias românticas e passamos a crer que a vida real possa ser mais ou menos parecida com a vida da telinha. WRONG! Se todo namorado que tive viesse correndo em direção aos meus braços a me dizer que me ama e que foi imbecil de não ter percebido isso antes, a esta altura eu deveria ter uns 3 maridos e uns 5 filhos, com certeza.
No momento, eu estou numa fase estranha da vida. Formada. Tentando vestibular – de novo. É muito decepcionante terminar um curso superior sabendo querer fazer algo completamente diferente e ter de começar tudo de novo. Mas se a minha vida fosse uma comédia romântica, o meu namorado/marido/melhoramigofuturonamorado me apoiaria dizendo que faríamos isso tudo dar certo, me sustentaria e eu teria uma vida feliz e cheia de flores. Bullshit. Na vida real, as pessoas me olham com feições de reprovação e ainda moro com meus pais porque a vida não é fácil.
Na verdade, isso tudo era pra dizer que… que eu não sei o quão feliz eu sou e, enquanto isso, tomo Coca-Cola todos os dias na esperança de que aquelas gotas de felicidade me tragam algo substancial. But there’s no such thing as a happiness formula.

I believe you do have the answer, you just don’t want me to know it yet – like a torture.
The hipotesis that you still don’t have it may be true, but after the way you spoke to me the other day I don’t believe it is possible.
Would you please hurry a little?

Great Expectations

A long, long time ago a very clever man said “the higher you climb, the greater you fall”. I have no idea who the man is – and I wouldn’t bother finding it out, since he is probably long dead. When I was younger, so much younger than today, I was always in love, I was always dreaming. Once I realized I cannot simply expect my dreams to come true, I decided to make them come true. For another clever man said that we must create the opportunities if they don’t show up for themselves. I wonder how one deals with their expectations, for they tend to be high.
A few days ago I decided not to develop any expectations towards a special subject. A special someone. It is a really tough job, as you can imagine. I swear I try not to. I try hard. But I cannot keep fooling myself on this matter anymore. The expectations are great, big, fantastic. Why am I so disappointed?